I'm Coming Clean
My bag of tricks isn’t working for me anymore.
I keep giving them another try then another.
I’ve switched out one trick for another and still they leave me hanging. Lately, more frequently than not I’ve been left exposed and insecure.
So I decided I needed to let the tricks go. I hate doing it but they’re not working for me anyway.
My hope is that when I do let go security will be my reward for being brave.
Here it goes.
I’m letting go of my fear of stuttering; it constricts me, holds me back, and holds me in. Then I make excuses for why I can’t say something. I’ve turned down amazing opportunities. I once concocted a mind-blowing story why I could not present a report in high school (my teacher refused to accept a written report which I offered to submit, double the required length).
Fearing that I might stutter when I speak is my insecurity. The fear makes me want to hide and I’m tired of hiding. Trying to hide that I stutter brings back the fear and I’m right back where I started, fearing that I might stutter.
The fact is I do stutter…sometimes.
Not hiding that I stutter is easier said than done. I have tricks that are very successful. I’ve become very good at hiding. I dance around my stuttering. I camouflage it. So much so that when I tell people I stutter they often say, you don’t stutter.
Yet what I sacrifice is saying what I really want to say. Engaging with people I really want to engage with and enjoying what they add to the conversation.
My fear of stuttering stops me, confines me, and defines me.
Fear narrows our focus – as it should because fear is a survival response. Freeze, Flight or Fight.
Since I’ve yet to hear of anyone dying from stuttering I know my fear is in overdrive and overreacting to situations that appear threatening. The threat: they won’t see me - just that I stutter.
Of course the irony is I don't allow people to fully see me.
My tricks are my security blanket yet I’m not secure at all.
I stutter. Whether I fear it or not. I stutter…sometimes.
Fear resides in our bodies just as joy, love and peace does.
I started working with this fear and I now recognize it when it comes. I feel it rising like the swell of a wave from my chest up through my throat and there it stays. Like a frozen wave, arched at its crest.
When I’m aware and observe, it’s like stopping time, the frozen crest starts to thaw.
Since I have evidence that I’m not under threat, like I said death is a very unlikely result of stuttering, I’ve begun to refocus, reassess, regroup – reprogram my fear sensor.
When I pull out from under the fear and become aware of it then I can consciously choose to say what I want to say, however it falls out of my mouth.
I’m sitting with the fear of stuttering every time I open my mouth to speak until I’m comfortable feeling uncomfortable.
I want a different reality.
I was explaining my fear of stuttering to a dear friend of mine (she’s also a life coach) and she asked me – what would love do?
This question comes from the notion that ultimately there are two opposing forces in our lives – love and fear.
That question got me thinking about how fearing exposing our insecurities grips us, holds us, holds us in, pulls us away, constricts us and reduces our impact on the world.
I believe our purpose is to express our talents, gifts and natural abilities. They are required for a better world.
I believe we are born with a spiritual gift and our purpose is to express it throughout our lifetime. Each moment is an opportunity to honor and share our gifts. I believe this is the ultimate exchange between receiving and giving.
When I thought of what would love do?
I instantly knew.
Love would let go, let be and accept that I sometimes stutter.